I think an effective treatment approach for Bipolar disorder is a combination of medication and psychotherapy. However there are still times when my mood will go down and I felt the vitality in life drawn out completely.
The lost in liveliness usually begins with an increase in sleeping hours. I am relieved to get into bed earlier than usual and wake up at a later time. I will fall back onto the bed to catch one to two hours of nap before the next meal. The pattern repeats after lunch.
Personal upkeep is not on my to-do list. Actually the list is not in motion. When sleep is evasive, I will tune into online drama and games. Procrastination effectuate for daily tasks. I will keep the must-do tasks to the last hour. Lethargy prevails and often the energy level remains at zero or neutral. Short-term goals not in sight and have little or no motivating reverberations.
Waking up is an uphill route
With these tell-tale signals, I seem to know that I am depressed. Yet the mind is oblivion to these indicative you-are-depressed alarm and the feeble attempts to get out from the down cycle. Counter thoughts like ‘let’s focus on the next hour’, ‘you need to break the pattern’, ‘don’t feel, just do it’, or shorten the snooze interval with a few more wake-up alarms, are ignored. I am simply unable to shift the gear from neutral to one to bring back the vitality in living.
It is true that what one focus on expands. My depressive cycle encourages inactivity. The state of being inert begets discouraging lifestyle and robs the will to love myself. I condescend to overeating and agrees to missing out a day or two of medication, exercise is no longer mandatory. Should alcohol be easily available, I would have drank to my heart’s content. These meaningless behaviors are a reflections of the mind.
My mind seems like any physical substance with no feelings and no thinking abilities. I have shorter attention span and my memory is a blob of glue. My brain system has gone for hibernation. The danger of my mood spiraling downwards is lurking closer.
Sensing danger, spikes of survival instincts comes into action. I urge myself to sleep less, just sleep two to three hours for one night. When I wake up, my mood seem to be uplifted. Perhaps it is the adrenaline rush to counter tiredness, more energy is ignited. The neutral gear has move up one level. I ride on the momentum of the upward cycle, actively completing the to-do list for the day and drawing out the list for next day. I make sure I do not sleep in the day, so that I get a good night sleep.
Somehow I can kick-start the day with a lack of sleep. I may feel irritated during the day, but at least I become more energetic. The yearning to be alive with more energy is desirable. The positivity let me resume my medication faithfully.
And I continue to work on my goals …